The weather in my part of the world has been messed up lately. Two weeks ago it was sweltering hot, spaghetti straps and flip-flops weather. A week ago people were wearing boots and winter jackets. Today it started off windy, humid and threatening to rain. Then it poured, like a monsoon. And then, sun! Sun and *cool*. Like the weather gods just can’t make up their fucking mind.
And, neither can I. I am in a constant self-assessment mode it seems. Mostly I hover around feeling ok, but just ok. Often I feel a non-specific anxiety. Very often I feel bored and unmotivated, but if I push myself, I can get stuff done. Sometimes, but just sometimes, I feel happy. I am happiest at the end of a work week, happiest when I am shuffling the kids off to their dad’s for their week with him (yes it does make me feel guilty to be glad they are leaving), happiest when I don’t have anything pressing on my that I have to do.
I’m better, but not quite there.
I have decided that I hate the Seroquel and am pretty much going to insist I go off of it when I go back to the pdoc in a couple of weeks. I have gained 15 lb on it. It makes getting up in the morning impossible. I mentioned switching to Wellbutrin (which I’ve been on before) as an adjunct to the Effexor instead of the bleeping Seroquel, and she wasn’t against it. We agreed though to try cutting the Seroquel in half first. Well, I did that and I am as groggy as ever in the morning, and my appetite is still carb-craving ravenous. I. hate. Seroquel. And that’s that.
Anyhow, I’m not giving up until then. I’m going to try in the meanwhile to cut out as many carbs as I can and get in some more exercise. I’m not going to drink during the week- aside from the temptation to self-medicate, it’s just too many damn calories. I’m going to make sure I get enough sleep and pack healthy lunches for work.
Which is why on this cool, rainy Sunday evening I am on my porch, sipping a Bloody Caesar. I love the promise of Mondays and new beginnings.
In other news…
This week will be challenging. I am going from working 3 days a week right up to a full 5. I was offered a job with a different organization in my building in addition to the one I already have, doing much the same thing. I am excited yet scared at the same time. It will be intense the weeks I have the kids, like this one. Less so when I am not. It has been 14 years since I worked full-time, egads. Since before I had kids.
This is what the real world is though. Jobs and kids and problems and little bits of joy in there when you can grab them. I am going to try, try hard to make this, all of this, work. I owe it to myself.