The last couple of days I think I have had some of my worst parenting moments ever. I am doing better but I am still feeling guilty, and sad.
My girl is intense. When she’s happy she’s HAPPY, and when she’s not, well, batten down the hatches. Sunday came at the end of a particularly brutal week, which was brutal for reasons completely unrelated to her. She was angry and anxious and argumentative and completely unwilling and unable to accept advice, or even just sympathy. Even just getting away from her was futile- she seemed to have a need to rage. Thing is, I can only be the target of such a rage for so long, and then my own rage comes out.
Anger. Anger about not being listened to, anger about the lot in life I’ve been given, frustration that I just. can’t. make. her. happy. Feeling put upon that I am her punching bag, her case manager, her caretaker…all rolled into one harried package. It is not a nice feeling to resent your own child, especially when they can’t help who they are.
Or, can they? People are a mix of what they are born with, and what they are able to do by virtue of their own free will, decision-making, or whatever you want to call it. I vacillate between thinking, none of this is her fault, she is what she is…and then…DAMMIT STOP BEING SO OBSTINATE? Her psychologist said, you can’t always blame Asperger’s. Remember that she is also just a typical 14 year old girl with typical 14 year old issues.
As difficult as yesterday was, we made some good progress. We dealt with one source of her recent anxiety: drama class. She switched into a tech class as one of her electives instead. Drama had far too much group work, and she was constantly being reminded that she doesn’t fit it. Kids would be told to get into pairs, or groups, and they naturally go with their friends. Thing is, this girl doesn’t have friends. In tech class there isn’t much group work, and given how into computers she is anyways…it is probably a better fit interest-wise as well.
She also started her PEERS group program. Last night was the first session, and so far so good. As far as I go, it is great to meet a group of parents who know exactly what I mean when I describe how my girl will talk and talk and talk and talk in conversations but not show any interest in how the other person in doing.
I also sent her new teachers a Girl 101 email. I let them know about her IEP, her quirks, how she is doing, her addiction to her iPhone, etc. I want them to feel like they have an open line with me, and knowing about her ASD will help them understand why she is the way she is, and how they can help her and their ability to teach her at the same time.
Onwards and upwards. I am grateful it is a short week. I am grateful that I remembered to take steak out of the freezer for tonight’s dinner. I am grateful that her brother is such a good kid. And am grateful that my Girl is upstairs right now, laughing and relaxing and in a much better place than she was 48 hours ago.