Today I go back to the office, after a glorious two week break.
I try to not make new year resolutions any more. At least not hard ones. I am trying instead to follow one simple mantra: live more, work less.
This comes from the realization that this working full-time gig has taken a toll on me. Yes, there have been perks. Greater financial security. Career advancement. This is nothing to sneeze at, especially after 15 years of financial dependence on another, a bad marriage, and a couple bouts of depression thrown in for fun. We’ve come a long way, baby!
The end of my marriage five years ago was transformative. I think I knew that the day ex-h dumped me. It was an ice-cold shock, but oh, the possibility! I was in a state of horror but glee at the same time. Nothing would ever be the same.
I spent a year purging out cobwebs and licking my wounds. I then went back to school, advocated for myself and the kids hard, spent some interesting times with some interesting (and some not!) men, travelled.
I grew up.
And grown-ups have jobs. At first part-time. I have been at it now full-time for four months. I threw myself into it. I am a single working mom! Go go go!
I worked hard. Too hard. At the expense of myself, and (gulp) somewhat at the expense of the kids. I depleted myself.
And now I understand what this obsession with balance is all about.
What I realize finally is that I can’t find this balance thing with this much tipping the scales. Something has to be let go, so that I can not be too tired to get to the gym, so that I can take the extra half hour to plan meals for the week, so that I can choose my clothes the night before so that I will look (and feel!) my best.
And to that end, it has to be work. I work two jobs from one desk and that is tough. Both have been understaffed to boot, and I have made that my problem to fix by working more. This ain’t gonna fly anymore. Not my problem.
So here I swear before the internets: I will live more, and work less. I will do the best I can in the 35 hours a week I am paid for. That I can guarantee. But I will not squeeze in those extra hours in the vain hopes of catching up, in the way that I have been.
Ok, rant over. Time to put myself together, and get to work.