It is pretty safe to say I am doing well with respect to living in depression/anxiety land. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m a bit sad, much of the time I’m somewhere in the middle. But I am definitely not where I was a few months ago.
The Seroquel thing is still bugging me. I don’t feel the apathy that I did when I was at a higher dose, but it is hard as fuck to get up in the morning still. And, that’s not going to fly for long. The kids are back in school and every second week I need to be up at 6:45 – stat. Not to mention that as of next month I will be working a full 5 days per week – go ME. One step closer to financial emancipation from the ex-husband. So….there will be less slack in my schedule. Working 5 days is a far cry from 3. I will have to up my game, and the Seroquel is not helping to that end. I brought up the idea of switching it up to Wellbutrin at my last appointment, and my lovely pdoc kind of nodded her head, and said yes, that’s a possibility, but lets lower the dose of Seroquel first. Two weeks in, I guess I am getting up, but it is still hell. And I am still 10 lb up from where I was when this whole fiasco started.
The thing I haven’t talked about to *anyone* is my drinking. I am drinking most nights. I have anywhere from 2 to 3 glasses and it helps me unwind. Most of the time, dare I say, it makes me feel happier. It makes me less anxious, easier going. I know this is not good. Not good as a coping mechanism, not good from a weight loss perspective…just not good.
So that makes me think, maybe my depression isn’t being adequately treated…if I still feel this need to unwind at the end of the day. But really, I just think I have developed a habit. A habit that is less than healthy.
I got the promotion I wanted. And now I am scared. There will be that much less room for slack in my life. I’m a single parent 50% of the time. One of my kids is fairly needy. My ex is a benign presence. I am functionally responsible for the kids’ lives in so many ways. I schedule the dental and other appointments, I submit all the claims to not one but *two* insurance companies and follow up when something goes wonky. I make sure their bike helmets still fit, check to see if last year’s snowsuits will do, arrange for music lessons. I am the Operations Manager of our kids. He pays for things when I ask him to. He is flexible with our schedule when I need him to be and buys things for them when I ask him to. It could be worse – I never lose sight of that. But I am Captain Kirk of this family and I think, whether he resents me for it or not, he very much knows it and, furthermore, prefers it that way.
I am rambling, probably because I am tired and wired and coming to the end of a crazy, two-week sprint with the kids.
Next week is for me. For working and puttering and catching up and just watching Netflix and snuggling with my awesome hunky man.
Over and out.