I have had a really bizarre day. Woke up waaaaay too late, at almost 11:00 a.m. (thank you Seroquel) and felt like I’d lost half the day. It’s been humid and rainy, not the best kind of weather for my mood. I managed to take the kids downtown to the mall where the girl wanted to use a gift card she’d received for her birthday. Then to a friend’s to watch the World Cup final (I am totally a fair weather fan), a few groceries, and now I’m thinking about the week ahead.
Through it all though, I have managed to feel…nothing. Not good, not bad. I feel a bit spaced out. It’s not exactly fatigue, it is more like there’s a deep stillness within me. Like I am sitting back and watching life happen. And with it comes a strong dose of…I don’t give a shit. Apathy.
I don’t like it. I don’t like not feeling.
It almost makes me long for the days I had acute anxiety- because with a little white pill I could get some relief.
This is different.
On the surface, I am managing. I get the basics done. But there’s nothing left after that. No enjoyment or enthusiasm for anything extra. I feel like I am watching life happen, and waiting, waiting for something to change except that I don’t even have that acute longing.
I wish I had a name for this state (anhedonia? apathy?). It is neither here nor there.
I go through the motions in the meanwhile, count the days until my next visit to the psychiatrist. I am wondering if this Effexor/Seroquel combo is just not for me. I am not in crisis any more, but I am definitely not feeling the happy, or the energy, yet. I miss that. So, so much.