Not here, not there

I have had a really bizarre day.  Woke up waaaaay too late, at almost 11:00 a.m. (thank you Seroquel) and felt like I’d lost half the day.  It’s been humid and rainy, not the best kind of weather for my mood.  I managed to take the kids downtown to the mall where the girl wanted to use a gift card she’d received for her birthday.  Then to a friend’s to watch the World Cup final (I am totally a fair weather fan), a few groceries, and now I’m thinking about the week ahead.

Through it all though, I have managed to feel…nothing.  Not good, not bad.  I feel a bit spaced out.  It’s not exactly fatigue, it is more like there’s a deep stillness within me.  Like I am sitting back and watching life happen.  And with it comes a strong dose of…I don’t give a shit.  Apathy.  

I don’t like it.  I don’t like not feeling.  

It almost makes me long for the days I had acute anxiety- because with a little white pill I could get some relief.  

This is different.

On the surface, I am managing.  I get the basics done.  But there’s nothing left after that.  No enjoyment or enthusiasm for anything extra.  I feel like I am watching life happen, and waiting, waiting for something to change except that I don’t even have that acute longing.  

I wish I had a name for this state (anhedonia?  apathy?).  It is neither here nor there.  

I go through the motions in the meanwhile, count the days until my next visit to the psychiatrist.  I am wondering if this Effexor/Seroquel combo is just not for me.  I am not in crisis any more, but I am definitely not feeling the happy, or the energy, yet.  I miss that.  So, so much.





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