Comme ci, comme ca…

It has been an interesting time for me. I went back for my third appointment with my psychiatrist a few days ago. I told her that yes, I am doing better when compared to a month ago, but I am still not where I should be.

What is better: the acute anxiety, the ability to get things done that I need to do. I even have moments where I am content. No joy, but…content.

What is not better: motivation. There is still a dearth of that. Yes, I can get the basics of life done. I’m not going to be fired from my job nor is the public health department going to come to my house and issue a citation. I even manage to slap some makeup on most mornings. But, there is no zing. No sense of, helloooo new day! No happy anticipation of good things to come. And with that comes a distinct lack of energy. It wasn’t that long ago that I worked out four times a week and absolutely loved it. Even the idea of that feels hard right now. And I still get overwhelmed when some new challenge falls in my path. As if I can only handle so much.

So we upped the Effexor to 225 mg, upped the Seroquel to 300 mg. I go back to her in four weeks. We shall see.

I didn’t have the kids with me last week. I spent it, as I always do on my off weeks, with G. He is in recovery from the end of the school year, as I think most teachers are. We didn’t do a heck of a lot, which suited me just fine. A strange thing happened though towards the end of the week. I started to feel antsy, a bit anxious even. He can’t wait for us to be married, in the same house. And while I do love him, right now that feels like an enormous pressure. I have talked to him about this and he was very supportive of just kind of being until I am through this. But this week there was talk of moving and wedding rings and all that. Probably because he senses that in many ways I am doing better, which I am. I think though I need to just be, just enjoy us as we are for awhile. That means without pressure. I just need to find a way to articulate this to him…and my dear friend E is right. I am a pleaser and I owe it to myself to make sure that I am doing this because it is the right thing for me. Not just because he wants it.

Oy vey.

In the meanwhile the kids are back with me and I am really glad about that. I think they are too. We had a good breakfast (bacon!) together this morning and a mostly a lazy day planned. Maybe we will do a water park tomorrow, the weather looks promising.

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