Rainy Tuesday

It has been a dark, rainy, super-humid kind of day.  

Normally this day would make my mood worse.  Like many, I am happiest in bright sunshine…whether it is the peak of summer heat, or one of those icy cold but blindingly bright January days.  Light = happy.  Today though felt different, as in, it felt much like the weekend, when it was bright and sunny and I still felt like crap.  Oddly, I feel less crappy feeling crappy on a gloomy day, rather than feeling crappy on a beautiful, warm perfect-weather kind of day.  That’s when I feel most like a loser for feeling depressed.

That all said, I am pretty certain that today, on paper at least, was a better day than yesterday.  Yesterday, I did not go to the gym.  I got up, got the kids off to school, and promptly went to bed for another two hours.  In the afternoon I was a bit more productive- I booked the kids into their day camps, made some phone calls that needed to be made regarding the girl, folded some laundry.  

I cried a fair bit, too.  And, like every other day this past week, I took an Ativan to take off the edge.

Days like these it feels like a relief to make it to evening, to see the responsibilities of the day behind me.  To leave a mostly-clean kitchen behind, lunches made for the next day, and to quietly retreat to my bed/haven upstairs.  By the time I get under the covers, I feel mostly calm.  Not happy, but calm.

Today I got out the house and into work on time.  I was reasonably productive.  I ran a bunch of errands after work without getting myself too worked up about it, including taking the boy on an impromptu trip to the mall (which I am so not loving these days).  I hate saying no to the things the kids want to do though because of my depression, so I am proud that I did that for him.  We then came home, made dinner, and I am now winding down.

One week from tomorrow I go back to the psychiatrist.  This is my beacon of hope right now.  I am trying to not overanalyze or judge myself from now until then.  I am not a failure if I need a bit of benzo to get me through, because the important thing is that I get through.

I so, so, so want to feel joy again.  To be happy when I face a new morning.  To look forward to something, anything.  

I felt like this once upon a time.  That used to be my normal.  I have been through depression three times already and made it through to that normal.  Always.  So I need to believe that I will beat it a fourth time too.





One thought on “Rainy Tuesday

  1. You will beat it someday. It might not feel like it sometimes, but we need to hold onto that faith. Going to the mall sounds a nightmare, but it’s lovely to read you are doing it for your children


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