Up…and down.

My girl has been diagnosed with Asperger’s.

While I am not surprised at all, I can’t help but feel sad.  It is the word I have been worrying about since she was 2.  And now it is an undeniable truth.  Not that it wasn’t there before.  I keep telling myself all the right things — things that I know are true — like, she is the same kid she was the day before the diagnosis.  That having a name means she can access all kinds of services that will help her. That her knowing will help her understand that she’s not a bad person, that there are others like her that she can identify with.  That she has so many strengths and that her prognosis is great.

What do I want for her, ultimately? I want her to be happy.  

Maybe my struggle is what happy will look like for her versus what it would look like for me.  I think as a parent we all have a dream for our kids, our version of a good life for them.  Maybe the battle is to reconcile that what their happy is, isn’t necessarily the same as ours.  And really it is their life, and it is unfair of us to project our definitions onto them.  

And right now, the reality is, she is doing pretty great.  She IS happy.  She feels good about her diagnosis…even better than good — optimistic.  

I am so proud of her.  And I love her madly.

***

And in me-land, I am…I think doing better.  Thursday (the day before the girl’s diagnosis) I had the best day I’d had in weeks.  I got a ton done at work, had a relaxing, fun, evening with G.  I even thought about the feedback appointment the next day and how we’d likely be talking about an Asperger’s diagnosis, and I felt good about it.  I was even looking forward to the appointment.  

Then hearing it of course…it felt like a thud in my heart.  But I talked to people about it, her dad, my two closest friends, and of course G.  That helped.  I did shed some tears…partly of sadness, but partly of relief.  Relief that we know more, relief that now we can forge ahead in getting her help in the few areas she needs hit.  And love — I felt love.  Love for the girl, love for me.  And love is strengthening and empowering, only a good thing.

We will forge ahead, in love.

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