It has been a dark, rainy, super-humid kind of day.
Normally this day would make my mood worse. Like many, I am happiest in bright sunshine…whether it is the peak of summer heat, or one of those icy cold but blindingly bright January days. Light = happy. Today though felt different, as in, it felt much like the weekend, when it was bright and sunny and I still felt like crap. Oddly, I feel less crappy feeling crappy on a gloomy day, rather than feeling crappy on a beautiful, warm perfect-weather kind of day. That’s when I feel most like a loser for feeling depressed.
That all said, I am pretty certain that today, on paper at least, was a better day than yesterday. Yesterday, I did not go to the gym. I got up, got the kids off to school, and promptly went to bed for another two hours. In the afternoon I was a bit more productive- I booked the kids into their day camps, made some phone calls that needed to be made regarding the girl, folded some laundry.
I cried a fair bit, too. And, like every other day this past week, I took an Ativan to take off the edge.
Days like these it feels like a relief to make it to evening, to see the responsibilities of the day behind me. To leave a mostly-clean kitchen behind, lunches made for the next day, and to quietly retreat to my bed/haven upstairs. By the time I get under the covers, I feel mostly calm. Not happy, but calm.
Today I got out the house and into work on time. I was reasonably productive. I ran a bunch of errands after work without getting myself too worked up about it, including taking the boy on an impromptu trip to the mall (which I am so not loving these days). I hate saying no to the things the kids want to do though because of my depression, so I am proud that I did that for him. We then came home, made dinner, and I am now winding down.
One week from tomorrow I go back to the psychiatrist. This is my beacon of hope right now. I am trying to not overanalyze or judge myself from now until then. I am not a failure if I need a bit of benzo to get me through, because the important thing is that I get through.
I so, so, so want to feel joy again. To be happy when I face a new morning. To look forward to something, anything.
I felt like this once upon a time. That used to be my normal. I have been through depression three times already and made it through to that normal. Always. So I need to believe that I will beat it a fourth time too.