I succumbed today to staying home on sick leave. This is the first time I have done it because of my mood. Part of me is relieved to not have to go to work and pretend to be a happy, functional worker-bee, part of me feels like a failure.
I woke up sad, and disappointed that three weeks into these meds, I am not feeling noticeably better yet. I know the drill- that it can take up to six weeks to really feel better, yet I am disappointed. And always in the back of my head there is the worry that I just won’t feel better. Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. I’ve been through it before and have come through it every single time. Sure, there was waiting, and medication tweaks, but I did get to where I wanted to be. Every. Single. Time.
I go back to Dr. M on Tuesday. This is good.
I will be with G from tomorrow night for a week. This is also good.
I have amazing friends who love me and support me unconditionally. This is good too.
When I look at these good things, I am so grateful I am weepy. Weepy actually feels good, because I am feeling something. Sometimes I feel so blah and flat and…nothing. I really hate that feeling. There is no joy, no pain, no anything. When I feel weepy, I at least feel alive- which is kind of nuts, but it is what it is.
I have been trying to make my way through The Mindful Way Through Depression. Mindfulness appeals to me on so many levels, but maybe I need to take a step back and wait for the worst of this phase to be over. The authors do make the caveat that you shouldn’t embark on this journey when things are really acute. Thing is, when I do feel better I don’t want to touch anything to do with depression, even if it is preventative. I want to rush back to living my life, enjoying the good stuff. I turn my back on depression completely. Which is completely antithetical to the accepting nature of mindfulness. The irony does not escape me.
I am going to set some small goals for myself today and try to make the best of a not-ideal situation. I will take a bath, tidy, fill in the forms I need for D’s appointment tomorrow, finish some paperwork. I will read some of the trashy book E lent me. I will figure out what to make the kids for dinner. Water plants. Slow and easy.
Please God, I just want to get through this and come out the other side…