Later the same day…

I wish I could say that the day improved. Yeah, I got a few things done.  But then I was like, what now?  I really felt nothing, a true apathy.  I felt super alone.  I started thinking about though all the people who love me, and I care about, and I started to get weepy.  I want to be better, not just for me, but for them too.  I know they worry and love me.  

So, I lay on the sofa for a good two hours weeping, sometimes full-on bawling.  It almost felt good, like I was feeling something, you know?  But that calm that usually comes after crying didn’t descend on me.  If anything I felt tense and anxious.  My son came home from school and found me all teary and puffy-eyed.  He knows what’s going on, I’ve been very open…but I still didn’t like having him see me like that and he probably didn’t like witnessing it either.  I disappeared upstairs to my bedroom for awhile and decided to call my pdoc, Dr. M, to see if I could get an appointment before Tuesday.  Of course, I called 15 minutes after the office had closed.  Of course.

I was tired of feeling uncomfortable and desperate for some calm, so I took some Ativan.  Even with the sublingual ones I take, I find it takes a good hour to really mellow me a bit.  I am calmer now, for sure.  But it is not healing, it is more like a respite….but heck yes, I will take that for now.

Then, my honey G called.  He is so loving, so reassuring.  I can’t wait to be with him tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I will not lie around in sad sloth all day — I can’t — I have too many commitments.  I have a big appointment for D with a new psychologist for an assessment, then plans to help clean up a friend’s basement (something I normally love helping her out with). Honestly I am less excited by that than just by being in the comfort of people I don’t have to pretend to be up with.

I am also experimenting with Netflix.  Some good old escapism.  I started watching Freaks and Geeks but I think it is a bit of a bummer, so I may nix that and move on to something else.  Maybe I’ll go back to Homeland.  I was enjoying that.  Or maybe a comedy would hit the spot.  I think escape is good for my brain…so maybe something way out there…Battlestar Galactica, which I’d started watching years ago and was into.  Decisions, decisions…


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