Later the same day…

I wish I could say that the day improved. Yeah, I got a few things done.  But then I was like, what now?  I really felt nothing, a true apathy.  I felt super alone.  I started thinking about though all the people who love me, and I care about, and I started to get weepy.  I want to be better, not just for me, but for them too.  I know they worry and love me.  

So, I lay on the sofa for a good two hours weeping, sometimes full-on bawling.  It almost felt good, like I was feeling something, you know?  But that calm that usually comes after crying didn’t descend on me.  If anything I felt tense and anxious.  My son came home from school and found me all teary and puffy-eyed.  He knows what’s going on, I’ve been very open…but I still didn’t like having him see me like that and he probably didn’t like witnessing it either.  I disappeared upstairs to my bedroom for awhile and decided to call my pdoc, Dr. M, to see if I could get an appointment before Tuesday.  Of course, I called 15 minutes after the office had closed.  Of course.

I was tired of feeling uncomfortable and desperate for some calm, so I took some Ativan.  Even with the sublingual ones I take, I find it takes a good hour to really mellow me a bit.  I am calmer now, for sure.  But it is not healing, it is more like a respite….but heck yes, I will take that for now.

Then, my honey G called.  He is so loving, so reassuring.  I can’t wait to be with him tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I will not lie around in sad sloth all day — I can’t — I have too many commitments.  I have a big appointment for D with a new psychologist for an assessment, then plans to help clean up a friend’s basement (something I normally love helping her out with). Honestly I am less excited by that than just by being in the comfort of people I don’t have to pretend to be up with.

I am also experimenting with Netflix.  Some good old escapism.  I started watching Freaks and Geeks but I think it is a bit of a bummer, so I may nix that and move on to something else.  Maybe I’ll go back to Homeland.  I was enjoying that.  Or maybe a comedy would hit the spot.  I think escape is good for my brain…so maybe something way out there…Battlestar Galactica, which I’d started watching years ago and was into.  Decisions, decisions…


Sick day

I succumbed today to staying home on sick leave.  This is the first time I have done it because of my mood.  Part of me is relieved to not have to go to work and pretend to be a happy, functional worker-bee, part of me feels like a failure.  

I woke up sad, and disappointed that three weeks into these meds, I am not feeling noticeably better yet.  I know the drill- that it can take up to six weeks to really feel better, yet I am disappointed.  And always in the back of my head there is the worry that I just won’t feel better.  Intellectually, I know this is bullshit.  I’ve been through it before and have come through it every single time.  Sure, there was waiting, and medication tweaks, but I did get to where I wanted to be.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I go back to Dr. M on Tuesday.  This is good.

I will be with G from tomorrow night for a week.  This is also good.

I have amazing friends who love me and support me unconditionally.  This is good too.

When I look at these good things, I am so grateful I am weepy.  Weepy actually feels good, because I am feeling something. Sometimes I feel so blah and flat and…nothing.  I really hate that feeling.  There is no joy, no pain, no anything.  When I feel weepy, I at least feel alive- which is kind of nuts, but it is what it is.

I have been trying to make my way through The Mindful Way Through Depression.  Mindfulness appeals to me on so many levels, but maybe I need to take a step back and wait for the worst of this phase to be over.  The authors do make the caveat that you shouldn’t embark on this journey when things are really acute.  Thing is, when I do feel better I don’t want to touch anything to do with depression, even if it is preventative.  I want to rush back to living my life, enjoying the good stuff.  I turn my back on depression completely.  Which is completely antithetical to the accepting nature of mindfulness.  The irony does not escape me.

I am going to set some small goals for myself today and try to make the best of a not-ideal situation.  I will take a bath, tidy, fill in the forms I need for D’s appointment tomorrow, finish some paperwork.  I will read some of the trashy book E lent me.  I will figure out what to make the kids for dinner.  Water plants.  Slow and easy.

Please God, I just want to get through this and come out the other side…


Peeking up the rabbit hole

It is 2:00 p.m. and I have gotten more done that I think I have in weeks.  I dropped off G’s lunch at work that he’d forgotten at home, got my tires torqued, did a small Costco run, made a good lunch for myself with yummy leftovers, emptied and refilled the dishwasher. Still not feeling joyous (am I expecting too much only 12 days into the new meds?  Probably…) and not even happy…but I am managing.  I want to do better than manage though, of course, and NOW.  Of course hypocritical me just posted a comment on someone else’s blog about being compassionate and gentle with oneself when struggling.  

I am loathe to jinx myself, but I am hoping this means that something in this jumble of neurotransmitters is changing for the better.  I remember the last big depression and anxiety episode I went through in 2008 it kind of worked this way- first the searing anxiety left, and then, weeks and a couple of meds adjustments later, the clouds of depression lifted as well.  

I also had the best orgasm I’ve had in eons over the weekend.  I wonder if that is the Lexapro exiting and the Effexor entering the scenario?  

I am going to push myself a little bit and try to cross a couple of things off my list that have been weighing on me and that I have been avoiding.  Avoidance just increases my anxiety so I am trying to look at this as not just tackling a long-neglected to-do, but self-care too.  Keeping things simple is always a good strategy for me, and getting rid of those things I have been avoiding makes my life simpler.




I am grateful to have had today off, as it has been an especially low-energy day.  Still, I managed to get some tidying around the house done, then went out for a pedi and lunch with E.  I found it hard in some ways, but then before I knew it I realized the distraction was good.  And my toes look great, not their usual dry, gnarly selves.  

Tonight the kids go to their dad’s and I am with G.  I am looking forward to being with him, not alone.  I hope I feel better having him around.  

Day 6

Another great, peaceful sleep.  Waking up though is another story.  It is dark and overcast again, like it wants to rain.  Sun and light go along way towards lifting my mood, and that isn’t happening.  I thought April was supposed to be for rain?

I want to stay home and nest and clean slowly and catch up on things I have been procrastinating on, but alas it is a work day.

So, to cut to the chase…three things I am grateful for today:

  1. That it is the last day of my work week!
  2. That I had the energy to pack the kids’ lunches LAST NIGHT.  
  3. That tomorrow is payday and I am going to treat myself to a rare pedicure.


Day 5

This is my fifth day on Effexor (75 mg) and Seroquel (50 mg).  Not sure how I am feeling.  I was definitely down today, more on the anxious side.  I ended up taking 1 mg Ativan, so I am feeling more level and functional now.  I know I am anxious when I really can’t concentrate, feel like I am suffocating wherever I am, and break out into a sweat.  The A definitely helps with that.

I keep telling myself I need to be patient.  Let this new mix work.  I am back in the system now and have a regular psychiatrist after waiting for months, and this is a good thing.  Celebrate!  At least I am under someone’s care now who seems confident of what she is doing, as opposed to my GP who didn’t understand my mix of meds.

I don’t want to think about depression and anxiety 24 hrs a day, really!

So.  I got my new tires on.  Victory!  Did a small Costco run and stocked up on a few basics.  I have a reasonable healthy (but easy) dinner on the go – butter chicken (ok, from a jar!) and steamed rice. Hey, the kids will eat it without complaint.  The house isn’t in ideal condition, but it isn’t a disaster, either.  Baby steps.

In the meanwhile, I am going to try a bit of self-help and list three things I am grateful for, today and every day.

Here goes:

1.  My guy G – I know I am loved

2.  Having an income

3.  My home – cozy and safe