I wish I could say that the day improved. Yeah, I got a few things done. But then I was like, what now? I really felt nothing, a true apathy. I felt super alone. I started thinking about though all the people who love me, and I care about, and I started to get weepy. I want to be better, not just for me, but for them too. I know they worry and love me.
So, I lay on the sofa for a good two hours weeping, sometimes full-on bawling. It almost felt good, like I was feeling something, you know? But that calm that usually comes after crying didn’t descend on me. If anything I felt tense and anxious. My son came home from school and found me all teary and puffy-eyed. He knows what’s going on, I’ve been very open…but I still didn’t like having him see me like that and he probably didn’t like witnessing it either. I disappeared upstairs to my bedroom for awhile and decided to call my pdoc, Dr. M, to see if I could get an appointment before Tuesday. Of course, I called 15 minutes after the office had closed. Of course.
I was tired of feeling uncomfortable and desperate for some calm, so I took some Ativan. Even with the sublingual ones I take, I find it takes a good hour to really mellow me a bit. I am calmer now, for sure. But it is not healing, it is more like a respite….but heck yes, I will take that for now.
Then, my honey G called. He is so loving, so reassuring. I can’t wait to be with him tomorrow night.
Tomorrow I will not lie around in sad sloth all day — I can’t — I have too many commitments. I have a big appointment for D with a new psychologist for an assessment, then plans to help clean up a friend’s basement (something I normally love helping her out with). Honestly I am less excited by that than just by being in the comfort of people I don’t have to pretend to be up with.
I am also experimenting with Netflix. Some good old escapism. I started watching Freaks and Geeks but I think it is a bit of a bummer, so I may nix that and move on to something else. Maybe I’ll go back to Homeland. I was enjoying that. Or maybe a comedy would hit the spot. I think escape is good for my brain…so maybe something way out there…Battlestar Galactica, which I’d started watching years ago and was into. Decisions, decisions…